There are lots of destructive things that people do in arguments that tend to make conflict worse rather than help resolve it. Try to avoid any of the following:. It can take a while to change negative behaviours and learn to disagree in a constructive and calm manner. However, do try to stick with it — because once you get used to working through problems in a constructive and calm manner, it can produce some really positive changes in your relationship.
Relationships are always a work in progress. If you find yourself rowing again, look at what happened, think about what you each could have done better, and talk it through.
Then forgive yourself and your partner and move on. More details about our telephone counselling, webcam counselling and Live Chat services can be found here. Details of your local Relate service can be found here. You are here Home Relationship help Help with relationships Arguing and conflict I can't seem to stop arguing with my partner. What can we do? I can't seem to stop arguing with my partner.
Find out why you're arguing It can be useful to think of an argument like an onion. Try to start the discussion amicably. Don't go in with all guns firing, or with a sarcastic or critical comment. People with low self-compassion tend to subordinate their own needs when they come to a point of conflict, and arrive at "compromises" that deal entirely with the other person's needs and leave them unhappy. Higher-self compassion tends to lead to better compromise, and less emotional turmoil after the fact.
Source: The Journal of Self and Identity. Fights happen. Even if you were to take steps to change the way you go about your life so that you're perfectly in tune with your needs and the needs of others around you, you're going to run into people who don't take those steps. And sometimes you're going to have to stand your ground. You get through those kinds of situations without feeling miserable afterward by being authentic to yourself.
Research has found that people who don't feel like they're subsuming or covering up their feelings or beliefs are protected from the emotional fallout of conflicts. They can get through a fight without feeling unhappy afterward. But people who don't feel authentic in their actions tend to wind up feeling down for hours or even days after a fight has ended. Source: Journal of Research in Personality. For you. World globe An icon of the world globe, indicating different international options.
Get the Insider App. Click here to learn more. He needs some kind of help. She also gets very immature though when she feels she has been insulted in some way.
Now this is the annoying part, when we get into arguments, she seems to think she can throw any insult at me and knows she can get away with it. It truly upsets me because i felt like we were having a really good streak of friendship, and she just tells me I have myself to blame for ruining it.
This is so insightful! Thank you very much, to whoever wrote this article. I have to deal with a mother who has always drove me insane with her appetite for arguing. I myself, love to debate and read upon differing opinions. She clings on the trivial things that makes her heated and never seems to accept any mindset that differs from her.
That along with the 3rd World family mentality and religious delusion just makes it extremely unbearable to hold a rational and sensible conversation with her. Once again, thank you! I have an adult son who is very argumentive and has to be right and on his terms.
He is always blaming and fighting with others, is unemployed and homeless and does things that I am ashamed of and embarrassed about. He desperately needs mental health counseling but will not go. He argues with his father and does not listen to others. He wants people to listen to him, but he refuses to listen to them. I am at my wits end and so are many others. He is 46 years old and is extremely depressed and at times threatens suicide.
However when he gets admitted to a mental health clinic it is usually for one night and they release him. Nothing gets done. Its always just financial according to him. Well if he would behave he wouldnt have financial problems. I have major health problems and I deeply love him. When he is calm he can be good.
But when he goes out into left field we get scared. Please pray for him. His father and I were never married and his dad abandoned and rejected us many years ago. His dad relates from a long distance. He treats his son horrible. I am 68 years old and still carry the scars of being an unwed mother.
I was discharged from the military because of my pregnancy and have suffered for years from the emotional problems since than. Time does not heal all wounds. I have been an unwed mother, married for 22 years and than divorced; now a widow. I have 2 biological children; 6 step-children, one foster son, and many extended family.
Yet I am alone most of the time because the only family member I have here is my son. And he drives me nuts. Always wanting people to help him, but never doing much for himself. Even tries to tell professional people how to do their jobs as if he is their supervisor, and one of them is a police detective!
I tell him to be more respectful but my son is a legal beagle and if people dont follow the law according to him… he gets upset and harrasses them. He is always gotta argue I get so tired of what he does. He has turned a lot of people against him, and makes people angry; than wonders why no one will help him or listen to him. Can anyone help me? I dont want to see him do anything stupid.
But I do worry when he gets really depressed. He means well but does not know how to handle himself. He is a social misfit big time. I feel for your pain and frustration, and I hear how alone you are feeling. With behavior modification and mess he can learn to cope better. You do not have to live with his behavior, you can draw healthy boundaries he will fight at first, but will help him I.
The end and give you the peace you deserve. Best of luck to you. But listening to people like thich naht hahn and others may help you…. He may have apathy and a lot of repressed anger, which covers grief, and telling him is not always helpful, but helping heal yourself you can do and not jumping to think we can fix things unless we are coming from our owned emotions, often repressed out of necessity, surfacing that will, by extension, help him, hope you understand…with best wishes and prayer, Ruth.
I liked the article, but was researching a more advanced problem. Some years ago I was shopping at an apothecary or drug store, when a female employee tried to draw me into an argument. Within a week she had found someone accompanying her, followed me home and had her buddy-boyfriend-whatever threaten to kill me. At that point I stopped on being casual, moderate, and forgiving. A person I never met before freaks-out, stalks me, and plays hate-priestess sending supposed killers after me IS a bit extreme for civilized standards.
Even worse is the process of gathering enough evidence to enter the Law. But in black-humor I liked that pseudo-argument of her being unable to comply to the Law due being so busy pointing out my wrongs. I call it modern day Hauntings, a kind of cross-cultural revenge for science having proven the ghosts away.
But if I feel he is the problem then maybe I am the the cause for the argument. Nothing is concluded. Each feels the other is the argue starter. Ultimately…silence is golden.
You need to cut the rope. Find things to do that you enjoy and start having fun for once. Quit relying on him to cure your emotional hurts that he cannot see.
Life saving article. I have lived with a super arguer for 28 years and it is not getting ant better. Since he retired his self esteem has practically withered and not helped by inevitable ageing. He often begins a conversation by arguing with himself, putting all the points of view e g Do you want a cup of tea or would you prefer coffee or do you want some fizzy water with Cranberry or a latte etc etc He always labels any practical suggestions of mine eg to store the logs on palettes and not on the wet ground as my personal choice — as though I am always getting my own way ie winning!
This is only the tip of the iceberg. Firstly arm yourself with knowledge so you are well informed and confident in what you think and say. Secondly develop skills so you are not reliant on anyone. My horse and dog training has helped in achieving this!! I notice that his daughters would either make people repeat everything as a way of making him think about what they were saying or Just move onto another subject as soon as there was any conflict. The subject was anything she had to do from writing an essay to washing her hair and by making it sound extremely urgent broke the chain of ideas.
My husband also uses this diva technique which is very irritating. My own disappointment is that the person I thought was strong with high self esteem turned out to be a very weak one. It is a comfort to know I am not alone. I have a mother who is jjudgemental and just is not happy with life everything has to be her way. The older she gets it seems like the worse she becomes. I had a close friend, a friend who I thought to be my best friend, who had an argumentative personality.
He would want it that he know more about me than I knew myself. I am a mild, even timid person. I do not like conflict so like the article stated I needed to have the energy to challenge this friend of mine when he was boasting.
Now he is very well read and knowledgable in science, history, politics, and movies. He had to know everything about everything. My friendship with him was very regrettable and has left me with many bitter memories. He has since moved out of the country. I see his posts on Facebook and he is still debating and arguing with others. He even boasted of how someone un-friended him because he had proven them wrong using the facts he had to win in the debate they were engaged in.
He seemed very proud of making that person mad. I feel your pain the best way that I got threw this time in my life is to just sit down with her and ask her questions about her childhood and about whether her parents argued all the time. Then just help her in the areas that she needs it. I am generally not an agumentive person.
I tend to avoid confilct but lately i seam drawn into arguments some of which i know is none of my buisness. I think i am becoming angry but i dont understand why — i seek out self help books and put myself on a more even keel but for the past few days i just want to tell people what i think and what sounds terrible is dont even care about them. Ive managed to fall out with someone and i want to argue with others but i know thats not me and i want to rise above it but im not back there yet.
I feel like I should argue, to help change the mindset and prospective of others. Is that a good thing or bad thing?
He will argue over the pettiest of things…. The woman in the story shot a rapist in her home. My argumentative partner said men are just as vulnerable as women. Oh, really??? He borders on being absolutely ridiculous with some of his comments.
I feel if I say the sky is blue…. I like arguing. It gives me a rush. This year I did some inner work, and I came to see it as this: My sister was verbally and emotionally abusive, and when I was little, I tried to stop her by force — growing older I realized, that I can fight back with words as well, and actually, I got good at it. She was more emotional while I used my sharp logic. Except, I was already traumatized.
So, while veterans with PTSD ride motorbikes to get that rush of adrenaline and to feel alive, my rush of adrenalin to make me feel alive with my developmental trauma is arguing. It really helped me to read all of these posts. He was so different to a point… when I was on Chemo—of course I was really out of it, too, but I think he put on a good act. I just had surgery and then radiation and be done in May! Treatable and no need for mastectomies!
I also figured out that he will say something mean or condescending if I had brushed off some comment or came back with the truth on something. Lesson: do not give any facts that contradict his…. On pain pills — hope this makes sense! It is time to look after YOU. Thank you, Nicola. I appreciate your note. Oh Barbara! I feel so bad for you. During a time when you need a hero, you have the opposite, a nemesis, someone making it even harder to get through day to day.
I hope you find the strength to do exactly what is best for you. How do we rectify this? Clashes are very common between teens and parents. They feel that their parents are always on top of their heads, telling them what to do and what not to. The arguments arise because of this.
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